Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
I respect the size of her balls.
Yeah but I don't respect the size of her anything else.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Randomize
