My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just want to make out with him forever
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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