I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
You wouldn't stop crying and screaming Hilary Duff doesn't deserve Gossip Girl
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
Randomize
