oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
Randomize
