I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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