I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
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