as for my dating sex life, no more regret sticks. Only pride wands from now on.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Randomize
