2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
