he puts the penis in happiness.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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