i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
