You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
