The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
