The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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