I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
Randomize
