P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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