She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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