Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
On a scale from 1-10 how fucked up would it be to buy weed with my fafsa money?
It's a study aid
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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