We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
She's the barista slut.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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