It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
