I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class
that is WHY your in summer classes
worth it
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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