she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".
I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
