just tell him i said nine months
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
