Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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