the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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