remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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