What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I should have known when she said it would be "fun" we'd end up in the hospital
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
