I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
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