I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Randomize
