At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
