I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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