if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Come get me...we were walking home and she kept yelling "people need to get run over more!" then she just sat down in the middle of the street saying "it just feels right."
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
