just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
Wedsnesdays are always enlightening. Tonights revealation: One should not smoke from something taller than their person.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
