You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I just ate a can of beans for dinner so I can afford to go get a 5$ bottle of wine. I really did not think these choices would still be necessary at age 25.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
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