Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
