yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
