He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
Randomize
