I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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