My sheets look like a crime scene.
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Randomize
