There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
