I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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