my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
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