i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
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