I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I WOULD NEVER LIE ABOUT SOMETHING AS SERIOUS AS SABADO GIGANTE BEING CANCELED
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
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