when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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