Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
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