My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
i've created a new STD.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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