is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
He felt like a one man threesome
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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