My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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