I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
You were trust falling into bushes
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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