just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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