My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
