Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
Also, I had mind-blowing sex on a pool table
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
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