You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Randomize
