I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
it was all good until he screamed "for fraaannnceee" on his last thrust
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Randomize
