A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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