I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
