she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
